The Chickstein Who Came to Dinner
by Zebeckras
Summary: Webfoot continuity, semiold story. Beth's old manager Henny comes for dinner, and stays far too long, reveals secrets and hits on Launchpad. Fun for all!
1. Chapter 1

Darkwing Duck: The Webfoot Weavings  
"The Chickstein Who Came To Dinner"

a/n: Hello to those who have been following these stories, and thanks for reading! As you may have guessed (especially if you've read all these fics before), I've been posting in chronological order the DW series I started about ten or eleven years ago. Most of these fics have been lightly beta'd, usually about nine years ago. g Starting with this one, which I did in mid-late 1996, I think the writing quality gets a little bit better (sort of bit-by-bit with each one) so I hope you keep reading, and enjoying! In a bit I am going to start posting a few things out of order, so check on my profile to see which story goes where.

* * *

Act I

"Guess who called me today."

Drake looked up from his half-finished peanut butter and jelly sandwich at Beth, who was sitting across the table from him. Launchpad was, of course, already listening intently. Beth was watching Drake closely, making sure that he was listening to what she was saying before she went on. Drake realized that he'd have to prompt her. "Who?" he asked.

Beth picked at the remains of her tuna fish sandwich. "Henny Chickstein."

"Your old boss?" Launchpad looked as surprised as Drake felt. "Are you gonna finish your sandwich?" he added. Beth shook her head and Launchpad devoured what was left of Beth's lunch.

"What did _she_ want?" asked Drake, rather nastily. Henny hadn't helped Beth's self-image problem any while she had been working at Bindler's Hardware. When Launchpad and Drake had first met the two of them, Henny had been taking advantage of Beth's timidity and uncertainty in herself, routinely putting Beth down and blaming everything on her. Plus, Drake found Henny to be extremely annoying.

"I don't think she wanted anything. She said she would like to see me again, so I invited her over for dinner tonight." Beth's head was down as she said this, and her comment seemed aimed at the table. "You guys are invited, too."

"Why the heck did you invite her over! She was never your friend! She treated you like dirt!" raved Drake. He ignored the fact that he hadn't been much nicer than Henny towards Beth when they had first met. At least he hadn't taken advantage of her, though. Well, not as much as Henny did.

Beth shrank more and started tracing designs on the table top. "She didn't treat me like dirt, exactly...," she said.

"Well, she seemed pretty mean when we saw her," said Launchpad, hunched over and trying to talk down at Beth's eye level. She was so slumped over in her chair that she didn't even see him.

"Are you guys mad at me?" she asked quietly.

Drake slapped a hand to his forehead, exasperated. "No, we're not mad!" Launchpad assured her.

"See, the thing is that she sounded kind of nice when we were talking, like she wanted to start over. She wasn't talking down to me like she used to- not really, anyway. And besides- I was really mean to her when I quit, and I've always sort of wanted to make up for that. I wasn't caving in, really! She suggested the dinner, but I wanted to do this." Beth looked up at them both, nervously.

"Well, I'll come to dinner tonight!" Launchpad smiled at her. Drake was not surprised.

Beth perked up a little, happy to have some understanding. "Great. I think I'll order some Chinese food or something."

"Hey, and I can bring dessert! I got this great recipe for brownies," suggested Launchpad. Behind him, Drake started shaking his head violently at Beth. 'Don't let him make brownies!' he mouthed to her.

Beth, who was quite adept at lip reading, frowned at what she assumed was a putdown of her friend's culinary prowess. "That'll be great, Launchpad. She's coming over at six. Drake? Will you come?" she asked pointedly.

Drake was feeling sort of sick at the thought of Launchpad's brownies. He thought it over for a moment. "Well... I think I'll pass this time, Beth..." He trailed off. She was giving him that look that he hated, the wide-eyed, on-the-verge-of-tears look that showed that she was in an especially sensitive mood and so she needed him to be around. He hated feeling responsible for her moods. Why couldn't she have fallen for Launchpad instead of him? He had accepted her other quirks, but he still resented her when she was this needy. Yet he was never able to say no to her for some reason- after all, it wasn't like she did it on purpose. Reluctantly, he said, "Ah, I guess I shouldn't leave you alone with that harpy. Fine, fine, I'll be there."

She brightened immediately. "Great! Thanks for lunch, guys, I'll see you at six!" With that, she left the kitchen and headed for her house.

"She practically manipulated me into it. I _hate_ it when she does that," muttered Drake.

* * *

"Hey, Beth!" said Henny as she walked by her hostess. She was an hour late, and showed no sign of regretting it. "Sorry I'm late, kid, I had some trouble finding the place. This isn't where you used to live, is it? That place was a _dump_! Let me tell you, I'm glad you only invited me over that one time! Is dinner ready yet?"

Beth was momentarily taken aback. She'd forgetten what Henny was like. She smiled and tried to be gracious. "Hello, Henny," she said. She shut the door behind Henny as her guest wandered around the living room, staring at everything. She suddenly stopped when her eyes fell on Launchpad. She raised an eyebrow and smiled at him, looking him up and down. Launchpad gulped, but managed to smile at her anyway. Beth wasn't sure what to make of Henny's staring, so she went on answering her questions. "I moved here a little while after I, um, left Bindler's Hardware. And no, dinner isn't ready yet, since I'm ordering Chinese takeout and I don't know what you want."

"I know just what _I_ want," said Henny, and walked over to Launchpad. "We've met," she said, extending her hand, palm down, and smiling flirtatiously.

"Er, I remember," said Launchpad. He took her hand and shook it heartily. Henny looked a little put off by this, obviously expecting something more.

Beth kept trying to play things normally. "Um, yeah, obviously you remember Launchpad McQuack. And this is Drake Mallard. They're my neighbors. Guys, Henny Chickstein."

Drake raised his hand in a curt wave. "Hello again," he said, not exactly warmly.

"Charmed, I'm sure," said Henny, using much the same tone on Drake that he had used on her. She looked at him curiously for a moment, and then said loudly: "Say, Beth, is this the guy that you said you fell in love with at first sight?"

Beth turned a nearly unimaginable shade of bright red. Both Launchpad and Drake turned to look at her. She could barely think for a moment. She'd always been a terrible liar, and there was no point in her trying now, so she said the first thing that came to mind: "So, Henny, what do you want me to order for dinner?"

After the meal was ordered, it didn't take long for the food to arrive. The group sat down at the table, eating mostly in silence. Henny made it a point to sit across the table from Launchpad, and occasionally during the meal he would suddenly jump a little, drop his fork, and look over at her. She'd look back, smiling, and wink. Then he would move out from under the table a little bit and try to get back to the meal.

Beth sat next to Launchpad, which due to Henny's strategic seating arrangement put her right across from Drake. Looking at him at the moment was almost painful for her, knowing that he knew how she felt. This was awful for her. She knew her face was still a deep red. Finally, she couldn't stand it any more, and so she decided that lying would be better than what she was going through now. After taking a deep breath, she blurted out, "Okay, it's true, Drake, when I first met you I was a little taken with you, but I'm over that now, really, and I just want to be friends with you. I mean it. I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want to make you nervous around me or anything, because it's not like that. Okay?" She looked at him anxiously.

He was looking back at her strangely. After a moment, he said, "Um... okay. I believe you," and went back to his dinner.

_Wonderful,_ thought Beth, _I probably made no sense at all. Oh, how I love my life._ She let her head sink down until her hair was nearly in her food. Launchpad stopped eating and put a hand on her shoulder to comfort her. Henny glared at him and drew her foot back under the table, then brought it forward again. Launchpad said, "Ow!", took his hand away from Beth's shoulder, and held it to his injured shin, looking warily at Henny as he did.

"Well," said Henny, leaning back in her chair, "My compliments to the chef!"

"Oh, I didn't cook," said Beth, looking up from her plate. "I ordered takeout. That's where all these little boxes came from... I didn't do anything except phone in the order."

"I didn't say I was complimenting you, I just said, 'My compliments to the chef'," said Henny matter-of-factly. "But, water just doesn't flow right with a meal like this. You know what I'm missing? A soda. Got any soda?"

"Sure, I've got plenty. It's in the fridge- Oh, why don't I just go get it?" Beth volunteered, as Henny's expression changed to one of lazy reluctance. She got to her feet.

"Say, could you open it for me, too?" asked Henny. She held up her hands, which were adorned with a set of _really_ long acrylic nails.

"Sure," said Beth. She left for the kitchen, thinking, _Geez, with nails like that you'd think she'd be able to puncture her way through the can._

As soon as Beth was out of the kitchen, Henny turned her attention back to Launchpad. "So," she said, batting her eyes, "missed me since we last met?"

Launchpad never intentionally hurt anyone's feelings, and he knew that the wrong answer to this question would really put Henny down. He took an inordinately long amount of time before he answered, "Um... Well, we hardly knew each other." By that time, Henny had gotten out of her chair and crossed around the side of the table to him.

"Well, let's get to know each other," she said, putting her hands on his shoulders. Drake set about trying to think of a way to rescue his sidekick from _this_ disaster. "So, how's about we go sit on the couch together?"

"Uh, well, I'm pretty comfortable here," said Launchpad, although he was becoming more and more UNcomfortable the longer Henny kept her hands on his shoulders. Drake picked up a butter knife and started to get up, intending to pry Henny's fingers off of Launchpad.

"Henny?" called Beth from the kitchen. Henny's hands tensed up a little, and her fingers dug into Launchpad's shoulders for a second before relaxing.

"Yeah?" she answered.

"What kind of soda do you want? Classic Koo-Koo Cola, Cherry Koo-Koo Cola, or Diet? I've got some Jolt Koo-Koo Cola in here somewhere- it's really intense..."

"Classic's fine, Beth!" Henny called back, and then started to push her fingers up under Launchpad's flight cap and tried to run them through his hair. Launchpad kept his hands firmly clamped down on the cap. "Uh, Ms. Chickstein, could you not--" he began. Then Beth came back out from the kitchen. Their eyes met. He stopped talking when he saw the shock in them.

Beth came to a halt and her hand involuntarily crushed the open can of soda she was holding. Then she came back to life and started shaking the excess soda off of her hand. "Oh- sorry- that was, uh, an involuntary muscle spasm. They happen some times," she explained nervously, and wiped the rest of the soda off her hand with her shirt. She wasn't sure _why_ that had happened, actually. She wasn't prone to spasms, but...

"O-kay," said Henny, and took her hands off of Launchpad, to everyone's relief.

"Gee, I'm sorry," Beth apologized, smiling at Henny. "I'll get you another soda. Why don't you come with me, and you can decide what you want?" Henny, keeping in mind Beth's recent, but apparently unintentional, destructiveness, complied. As she went into the kitchen, Launchpad breathed a huge sigh of relief.

When they came back, Beth suggested that they all go into the living room and talk. "Hey, we can have my brownies for dessert!" said Launchpad. Drake grimaced. Everything about this evening was making him glad he'd left Gosalyn at the Muddlefoots'. In fact... it was almost enough to make him wish _he_ were there, too. Well... maybe it wasn't quite _that_ bad.

"Oh, you brought them? I thought you'd forgotten, since you didn't bring any plates or anything," said Beth.

"Don't need any!" said Launchpad cheerfully. He took off his flight cap, and dumped a pile of brownies on to an empty plate that was still sitting on the dining room table. Beth was stunned in a couple of aspects- partly because he was actually keeping baked goods under his hat, and partly because she'd never actually seen him without his flight cap on. "Well, dig in!" he said.

"I'm full," said Drake quickly. Henny echoed this statement, but Beth took pity on Launchpad and ate one of the brownies. She regretted it immediately.

In the living room, Drake sat down right away on one end of the couch. Beth followed him and sat down right next to him, which Drake had expected but hoped against, and Launchpad hurried and took the last seat at the end before Henny could claim a spot near him again. "So, Henny, it's... um... It's nice to see you again." Beth tried to smile sincerely as she said this, but at the moment all she could think of was how Henny was still making her get sodas for her. That, coupled with the nausea she was feeling from the aftertaste of the brownie, made it hard to seem cheerful.

"It is, isn't it?" asked Henny. Beth wasn't sure if she meant that it was nice to see her, too, or if she was saying that Beth _should_ be glad to see her again. Drake was sure it was the latter, but he said nothing. Launchpad was just trying to avoid making eye contact with Henny, because every time he did, she winked at him and grinned wickedly. Instead, he was focusing intently on Beth- which was a pleasure on his part- and it was bugging the heck out of Henny. "Well, I gotta admit, I had a sort of hidden reason for coming here," she said suddenly.

"Ask me if I'm surprised," Drake mumbled. Beth looked at him, shocked. Henny _must_ have heard that- but Drake didn't seem to care.

Henny went on, apparently not caring, either. "My apartment's being fumigated, and I kind of need a place to stay. I was wondering if you knew of any nice, but cheap, motels in the area...?"

"Motel? Oh, no, no, don't even think it! You can stay here!" said Beth immediately. For a moment after she'd said it, she wished she hadn't. She was really used to living along. But after all, this was the right thing to do under these circumstances.

Drake was stunned. Henny was smiling, satisfied. It was obvious that this was what she had been after all along.

"Say, Beth, let me help you do the dishes now!" said Drake, grabbing her arm. At his contact, Beth turned red again for some reason.

"Oh, I'll do them myself, later!" she said, but didn't pull her arm away from him.

"No, let's do them RIGHT NOW!" said Drake through gritted teeth. He yanked her to her feet.

"Oh, okay."

"Uh, I'll come an' help dry the dishes," said Launchpad, and ran after them into the kitchen.

"WHAT are you THINKING!" hissed Drake fiercely as soon as they had shut the door.

"What do you mean, what am I thinking?" replied Beth, her voice as low as Drake's. "I'm thinking that Henny needs a place to stay, and I have more than enough room here. And besides, I'm sure she wouldn't ask to stay with _me_ if she had any other place to stay." Drake's almost rabid disapproval somehow fueled her resolve. She decided that not only was this right, it was what she wanted. She would win Henny over and show Drake!

Drake's bad mood hadn't improved any over the evening, and as usual it was hampering his communication skills. He simply didn't understand why Beth didn't get it. "She's just being nice because she's trying to take advantage of you all over again! You can't be so trusting!" said Drake.

Beth's eyes got wide. "What--"

"Listen, do you honestly think she'd do this for you if your situation was reversed?"

"Maybe not," she said, coldly. "But that doesn't matter. Drake, the Golden Rule is 'do unto others as you would have them do unto you', not vice versa. What she would do in my place doesn't matter. I can't believe you'd tell me not to be so 'trusting'. I think it's terribly important to trust people, no matter what, and giving them a second chance is the right thing to do. I am doing the right thing, aren't I, Launchpad?"

"Er, well...," Launchpad considered his options quickly. He visited Beth at least once a day. He wasn't too eager to have Henny staying two houses down from him, and staying with Beth- He'd be visiting Henny that much now, too. But Beth seemed to have made up her mind, and he didn't want her to get mad at him, too. "Sure. I think it's great that you're so forgiving," he said finally, and it was the truth. Sort of.

"Look, Beth, I just don't want to see you letting Henny walk all over you again," said Drake in a last attempt.

Beth's face lit up as soon as he said it. "Oh, Drake, that's so _sweet_!" He _did_ care about her! It brought Beth's mood up so high that there was no longer any doubt that she would take Henny in. She loved everyone now, including her obnoxious, pushy ex-boss. She gave Drake a tight hug.

"Well, it's not that- I mean, it's not _only_ that, it's... Oh, never mind," said Drake.

As they opened the door to go back into the other room, they met with a little resistance: Henny's head. "OW!"

"Henny? What were you doing with your head up against the kitchen door...? Oh," said Beth. She frowned.

"I was not listening! I was examining the paint on the door!" said Henny defensively, with her hand over the side of her head. "I wouldn't have expected you to be so suspicious, Beth... You're normally so trusting!"

Beth sighed. Making friends with Henny might be tough- but she was up to the challenge! "Well, I guess I'll get you set up in the guest room."

"We'll see you later," said Drake. "It's getting late, and Launchpad and I have to go-- Um, bowling."

Beth looked at him oddly. "_Bowl_i- Oh! Oh, right. Bowling! Have fun!"

"Yeah, don't let your fingers get pinched," said Henny, standing behind Launchpad. He stood still for a second, trying to figure out why she'd said it in that tone of voice, and then suddenly he jumped and moved away from her. She smiled and winked.

Once the guests were gone, Beth turned to Henny and smiled. Henny took a moment and then returned it. "Um..." said Beth. Realizing that she wasn't very good at starting conversations, she looked away for a moment. She cleared her throat and started to speak just as Henny asked:

"Could you get me another soda, Beth?"

Reluctantly, Beth did so.


	2. Act II

"The Chickstein Who Came To Dinner"

* * *

Act II

By Sunday afternoon, Henny had been at Beth's house three days, and things had changed very little. Launchpad didn't visit as much as he usually did, but he stopped by that afternoon and he and Beth talked in the kitchen while Henny watched TV on the couch. Drake had been invited over a few times, but had declined as politely as he was inclined to. His reason for the avoidance was only partly based on Henny's presence; being around Beth after Henny's announcement of her feelings for him made him nervous. It was his hope, he had told Launchpad, that maybe if he stayed away Beth would forget about him a little.

When Beth asked about Drake, Launchpad told her that he had a cold, and she came very close to making him some chicken soup before he told her that Drake was actually avoiding Henny. Beth had nodded and said that she could understand that. Then, quietly, she'd asked if Drake was avoiding _her_, as well. Launchpad had grit his teeth, grinned, and said that actually Drake kind of missed her but really didn't want to be around Henny.

As a result Beth seemed a lot more high-spirited lately, and Launchpad was wondering if he'd really done the right thing.

Just now, Beth was making a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich, and Launchpad was watching her hands as she scooped out the peanut butter. "So," he said, watching her work, "she really talks about me all the time?"

"All the time," answered Beth, spreading the peanut butter around evenly. "Like you two are meant to be or something." Launchpad let his gaze trail up her arm. He had reached her shoulder when she asked, "How close are you, anyway?"

Launchpad looked towards the door of the kitchen before he answered. The sounds of Henny laughing at whatever TV program she was watching came through the door. Satisfied that she wasn't listening at the door again, he said, "Close? Not at all. She comes right up to me every time she sees me, but we've never actually talked or anything. Not the way you an' I talk."

"Well, I guess Henny just likes you. You know," said Beth, looking down at the bread as she started spreading the jelly around, "you should take advantage of this. I mean, you don't have a girlfriend or anything, and she likes you, and she's not exactly, uh, unattractive..." Not by Beth's standards, anyway. She made sure that she wasn't facing him as she said this. Her voice was casual, but she had a look on her face that contradicted her tone. In truth, she was testing him, although she didn't know of what. "I mean, if you're interested. Do you like her?"

"Ya want the truth?" he asked, and she nodded her head. "Not really. She's just...," Launchpad paused, not sure of how to express his feelings without possibly offending Beth. She seemed to think she was proving something by taking care of Henny. "Well, she's not my type. There couldn't ever be anythin' between us."

"Oh," said Beth, involuntarily breaking into a smile and making sure that he still couldn't see her facial expression. She cut the bread in half diagonally. "That's too bad. I mean, she _is_ available. And she sure seems to _think_ something's happening between you two."

She sounded sort of upset, Launchpad thought. And besides, he didn't like to think of anyone being unhappy. If it would make Henny feel better, then maybe he could manage, after all. "Really? Maybe I oughta ask her out just once, to make her feel better."

"_No_!" said Beth, and whirled around to face him, with the knife straight out in front of her. "Don't do anything for her that you don't want to do! Because once you start, you don't know how to stop." She looked down at the knife. "Look at me. It started with that Koo-Koo Cola at dinner, and now I'm making her a PBJ sandwich. With the crusts cut off," she reminded herself, and started to cut off the crusts on one side. "I didn't even realize I was doing it until now. Look. Don't ask her out. She needs to be told no. I'll tell her so that you don't have to, okay?"

"Well, okay." Launchpad could hardly argue. Beth seemed pretty adamant that he _not_ go out with Henny. He wondered why, and the only explanation that came to mind right away was that she was jealous. But that didn't make sense, because he knew she was in love with Drake, and saw Launchpad as nothing more than a friend. There was probably some other explanation-- of course. Beth knew how uneasy he felt around Henny, and just wanted to spare him all that nervousness. That made much more sense.

Henny was still sitting on the couch in the living room when they came out of the kitchen. "Hey, Launchpad!" she said cheerfully as soon as she saw him. She winked again, and he pretended not to notice. "You like 'Pelican's Island'?"

He was surprised that they had something in common. "Sure! It's my favorite show!"

"Great! Sit down, cutie, they're showin' a movie!" She patted a seat cushion next to her on the couch, and he sat down as far from her as he politely could. Beth remained standing.

"We now return to 'Nightmare On Pelican's Island', our Sunday matinee," said the announcer. Launchpad blanched as the movie came back on and the sounds of a chainsaw started up from the screen. _This_ movie... the combination of _this_ movie, and Henny Chickstein was more than he could handle. "Uh... I gotta go," he said nervously, and darted out the door.

"Bye, Launchpad," said Beth just before the door slammed.

Henny yelled after him, "Oh, don't go, sweetie! You can block your view with me if you need to-- Great. Way to chase the man away, Beth," she finished, turning to Beth.

Beth looked as if she'd been slapped. "Hey, I didn't--"

"I was kidding, hon. Kidding." Henny didn't seem like she was kidding.

Beth hated to admit it, but her plan was less than successful. In the three days that she'd been here, Henny had been extremely uncommunicative, except when she wanted something. And, although Beth was trying to pretend otherwise, Henny was _dreadfully_ annoying. Her laugh, her voice, the way she dressed, all of it made Beth wince.

She stared towards the screen for a moment more, lost in thought, and blinked and shuddered at what was onscreen. "Oh, my. I hate stuff like this." She picked up the remote and turned off the TV.

Henny snapped, "Hey! I was watching that! It just so happens I like gore!"

"Gosalyn Mallard has it on tape. You can borrow it and watch it when I'm not around. Now listen," she said as she handed Henny her sandwich, "there's something I need to tell you..."

"Beeeeeth, I asked for the crusts cut off of this sandwich! You only cut off the crusts on one half!" Henny interrupted her.

"Oh, I did? I'm sorry!" Beth took the plate from Henny, who grabbed the crustless sandwich half and peeled it open. On her way to the kitchen, Beth realized what she'd just done and muttered, "D'oh!"

Henny, meanwhile, scraped all the jelly off the bread with her finger and then licked it off. When Beth got back, she said, "I need more jelly on this half."

"You do not. You had plenty and-- ew, you licked it off!"

"I want more! I can't eat a jellyless sandwich!"

"No. You had your jelly and you ate it. The rule in this house is one serving of jelly per person." _Tolerance,_ Beth reminded herself. _I must be tolerant._

"Hey! Who determines a serving here?"

Beth felt her face growing red as she got angry. "Listen, I bought this jelly with my own money and so I make the rules! When you pitch in for the jelly, you can make a rule about how much each person gets! Until then..."

"But I'm the guest!"

"Jelly costs money! My money- _my jelly_!" The argument no longer seemed so silly, since Beth was now on the verge of losing her temper.

Henny, on some low level, saw this and relented. "Fine, but I don't want this peanut butter part."

"Fine." Beth accepted having the peanut buttered half of the bread thrown at her by Henny, who was nearing a temper tantrum herself. Still, she felt pretty good about herself for having won. "Anyway, I was about to tell you something about Launchpad."

"Oh, really?" Henny said casually as she crossed her legs toward Beth and smoothed out her hair expectantly. "What about him?"

Beth was surprised to find that she was suddenly hated Henny with a passion. She was so smug, so ridiculously confident when she had no reason to be so. Even her body language was annoying. Beth had an urge to smile at her coldly and say, "Quite frankly, he hates you," and then watch her expression change. But that wasn't the way Beth was, and she would never do that, not even to her worst enemy. She swallowed her dislike and said, "Well, I know that you're sort of... interested... in him, and I think you should, you know, cool it. I know Launchpad pretty well, and I don't think he's, um, interested. I just thought I should tell you before you get your hopes up too high and then get disappointed."

This quiet explanation had been meant to save Henny some grief, but sadly, she didn't get the point. "What do you mean, 'Not interested'? What are you tryin' to say about him?" she asked incredulously.

Beth sighed. "I'm _saying_ that he's... Well, no matter how hard you try, you're not going to be able to win him over. He's not your type, anyway- he's not rich _or_ snotty." She regretted that barb right away, knowing that it would only provoke Henny- but it had felt so _good_ to say!

Henny rolled her eyes. "Bethie, you obviously know _nothing_ about romance."

Beth burst into loud, humorless laughter. "HAH! _I_ know nothing about...," she trailed off as she calmed herself down. Whatever happened to 'tolerance'...? "Henny, I'm trying to save you a little embarrassment here! I'll say it one last time, and for heaven's sake, listen to me: He's NOT INTERESTED!"

"You don't know," said Henny stubbornly. "You didn't see the looks we were givin' each other the other night." Her tone made Beth want to smack her, hard.

"Evidently I didn't," said Beth. "I thought he looked terrified of you, but maybe I was wrong. Maybe the fly _likes_ the spider this time around. Maybe poor Launchpad's looking _forward_ to being corralled into a relationship, and then having his heart and soul torn up. Maybe it's just me."

Henny got to her feet and looked Beth straight in the face. If there was one thing she was good at- and there surely wasn't more than one thing- it was staring people down. "Say what you want, but he is _mine_! I thought you wanted the one with the big bill, anyway?"

Beth blushed. "I'm not doing this because I'm in love with Launchpad or anything!" she cried, a little too loudly. "I'm doing it because he doesn't like you, and you're making a fool out of yourself!"

"Since when have _you_ been able to read men? You have no idea whether he likes me or not!"

"Yeah, so maybe I don't know anything about men. So what! That doesn't make a difference when--" Beth stopped herself short, just before she blurted out that Launchpad had _told_ her himself that he didn't like Henny. She crossed her arms and looked away angrily.

Henny smirked, assuming that she'd won. "You're just jealous, because you can't _get_ any action," she taunted.

Beth was too mad to reply, and if she answered she risked really letting loose at Henny. Obviously they would never be real friends, but since she had no idea when Henny was leaving, and didn't want to completely ruin the relations between them, she figured that for the moment it would be better to let the argument go. Beth walked past Henny (who jumped back and raised her arms in front of her face as soon as Beth moved, evidently expecting some sort of attack) and went up to her room. Once the door slammed upstairs, Henny sat down on the couch again and turned the TV back on. Screams came from the set and mingled with the sound of Henny's laughter as she watched.

* * *

"I'm going to bed, Henny," said Beth at a little after 11:00 that night. "Turn off the lights when you go upstairs, okay?"

"Yeah, yeah," said Henny, still staring at the TV. Beth reminded her to do this every night, and every night she forgot. As Beth headed up the stairs, she heard Henny mutter, "Little witch."

Beth clenched her fist and went up to her room.

Her anger didn't disappear as she was dropping off to sleep, and thoughts of her and Henny's argument kept running through her mind. In her head, she had the guts to tell Henny what she really though, and was more than graphic about it. _Jealous because I can't get action,_ thought Beth as her coherent thoughts started slowing down. After a long moment, she continued this thread. _I have no reason to be jealous of anything like that.. That's not what loving someone is about..._ This wasn't entirely what was bothering her, though. What was really and truly bothering her was Henny's attitude. _Stuck-up...,_ she thought, and lost the end of the thought. She had one more thought that she was consciously aware of, and that was, _She thinks she's so hot..._

* * *

In the dream, all of a sudden Henny was right there. She was sitting on the edge of Beth's bed, wearing a typically superiour smirk. "I am!" she answered.

"You are not!" said Beth, sitting up in bed. "You're so full of yourself."

Beth was dismayed to find that it didn't faze her at all. Instead, Henny said, "Oh yeah? Well, then, why have I had _tons_ of boyfriends? I can have any man I want. How many boyfriends have you had?"

She didn't want to answer, but for some reason she did. "I can get guys too. I just never really wanted any." At any other time she wouldn't have been able to deliver this lie with a sincere face, but now she found the strength.

Henny called her on it. "You want Drake."

"Drake's... spoken for. It's a case of falling for the right man at the wrong time, that's all." Suddenly, Beth believed that, too, for the first time ever.

But Henny didn't. Beth could feel the contempt and mocking just oozing off of her. "Riiiiight. Bethie, Bethie, Bethie. You've got to move on! Not that _I'm_ giving you advice. I'm picking the right man at the right time for myself- Launchpad. Henny gets what Henny wants."

Beth felt sick at her very suggestion. Lashing out, she said, "Henny does not get what Henny wants! You can't have Launchpad! He'd never want you!"

"Well, then, who would he want? You?"

"I'm sure that's none of my business."

"Then why are you so jealous?" she asked. Beth felt a little queasy. Something about the accusation, dumb as it sounded, hit home. Henny's expression had changed, too- she didn't look like she was just baiting Beth anymore. The question sounded... reasonable.

"Don't be stupid," said Beth, sounding as shaken as she felt. She lay back in the bed and pulled the covers up to her neck, and kept watching Henny. "I'm not jealous. In all the time I've known you, you've never had an intelligent thought in your head."

"Really," said Henny. "Then consider this, Bethie-Wethums. I, the true Henny, am not here at all right now. This conversation is taking place in your unconscious mind, and _you_ just made the accusation to _yourself_ that you are jealous of Henny and Launchpad. Now who's stupid?" she finished in Beth's voice.

She was stunned for a second. Henny, still sitting on the bed in front of her, looked at her calmly in sudden silence. Beth murmered, "I _am_." She blinked and Henny was gone.

* * *

She sat up in bed, fully awake, and said out loud, "I _am_ jealous." 


	3. Act III

"The Chickstein Who Came To Dinner"

* * *

Act III

"You didn't turn the lights off last night," said Beth when Henny came into the kitchen at one o'clock the next afternoon.

"Oops," said Henny, and shrugged.

Beth clenched her teeth and, with an effort, held her annoyance in. Her conversation with herself from last night's dream was playing on her mind in a big way, and she was having problems interpreting it. Did it mean that she had feelings for Launchpad, above a platonic level? Certainly, if she did, she'd know... And think of all the problems that could cause! Even more then there were now, with her loving Drake! The whole situation was too frustrating, and it was putting her in a terrible mood. She couldn't think it over with Henny around, that was for certain. "I'm going on a walk," she decided aloud. Henny had raided the fridge and come up with bread and three different jars of jelly. She nodded from where she was standing. Beth paused a bit as she went out the kitchen door. "And don't use all the jelly while I'm out just to spite me, okay?"

"Like I would," said Henny. She made a face as Beth left the room, and then sighed angrily and put two of the jelly jars back.

About fifteen minutes later, she was sitting on the couch enjoying the silence of not having Beth around when someone rang the doorbell. "Aw, where is she when I really need her?" whined Henny, and tried to think of a way to get the door to open without moving from the couch. Finally she slid herself off the couch and onto the floor. From there she pulled herself up and made it to the door, which she unhappily pulled open. She brightened as soon as she saw Launchpad on the other side of it.

Launchpad's face fell when he saw her. "Er, hi," he said, looking away from her. He had thought that Beth had said that Henny never answered the door- in fact, he was sure that Beth had complained about it for nearly 20 minutes. "I just was wondering if Beth was here?"

"Oh, she's here somewhere," said Henny, and grabbed him by the arm. "We'll just have to wait for her, won't we?" she said as she pulled him towards the couch and slammed the front door after him.

* * *

"I can't like Launchpad! Gee, I'm not even really attracted to him!" said Beth out loud as she walked up and down the street parallel to her own. A few people had stopped to look at her, but as usual when she got into a really pensive mood, she was unaware of the looks she was getting. "Well, not _really_. It's not to say that he's NOT attractive, because he is, but... I mean, it's not like the way I am about Drake. I don't feel for Launchpad the way I do for Drake, either! At least, I don't feel like I do..." She stopped on the street corner, turned around, and went back the way she had come. This was the eighth time she had done this. "But why in the heck else would I be jealous? It doesn't make any sense at all!"

She came to a complete standstill and squeezed her eyes shut, thinking hard. _Why,_ she wondered silently, _does the Domino Thinking Process never start when I really need it?_ Launchpad was her friend. Henny was coming on to her friend. Maybe it was a sort of maternal, guardian instinct? That didn't explain the actual jealousy she was feeling. "I've never even _seen_ Launchpad with other women," mused Beth out loud. Suddenly her eyes snapped open. That was it! "Hah! I'm just weirded out because Launchpad has never taken an interest in anyone while I've been around! Geez... Dumb me! I can't believe I was letting myself get so upset over this whole thing!"

Beth started walking again, towards her house now. Her bad mood had lifted, and even the prospect of seeing Henny didn't bother her too much. "I'll bet my jealousy is a subconscious manifestation of my fear that Launchpad will desert me if he gets a girlfriend! That sort of fear _would_ be predictable... Being the only adult woman who's really a part of his life, I'm used to getting a lot of attention from him. But if he were going out with someone, a lot of that attention would be diverted, and it would be a big change for me." It was a relief to think that all of her feelings _were_ platonic, after all. For once, she was in control of herself.

"Yes, that's certainly it. And the best way to deal with this frustration of mine is to force myself to confront it, to let him go out with a woman and get over the whole thing. I can't just be possessive, that's silly! I have no claim over him," she said to herself. Now that she had completely rationalized her feelings, as she did about everything at least once a month, she felt much better, like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. She held her head high as she walked, filled with new resolve.

* * *

"Er... Ms. Chickstein, I really don't think that we oughta be--"

Henny, sitting very close to Launchpad on the couch, silenced him by holding a finger to his bill. "Don't be silly. Beth has no claims over you. You have nothing to be worried about." She smiled in what she assumed was a reassuring way, but which actually gave the impression that she was about to go for Launchpad's throat.

He gulped. "Well, actually, I..."

Henny interrupted again. In fact, she hadn't let him finish a sentence since she'd dragged him into the house. "You know something silly?" she said with a well-rehearsed laugh. "Beth tried to tell me last night that there was nothing between us!" She burst into a fit of overly-happy laughter, and looked at him pointedly.

Launchpad desperately wished that Beth would come into the room. "Well, heh heh, if you'd back up a little, we'd have a couch cushion between us..." he said nervously. He wished that she would move. She was making him extremely nervous.

However, instead of moving away from him, Henny cried, "Oh, Launchpad, say you feel it too!" and threw herself at him. She missed his lips and instead fell crosswise over him, with her head on the arm of the couch. She tried to turn this back around to her advantage, so she turned over and lay across his lap, looking up at him. Then she threw her arms around his neck and tried to pull his head down towards her. He resisted. Infuriated, she pulled harder, and it took all his strength for him to stay where he was. If he hadn't been nervously sweating before, he would have started now from the sheer physical exertion. "_Launch_-pad...," said Henny through clenched teeth.

"Uhhh, listen, Henny, I don't think I'm- urk- ready for this right now...," he choked.

"Don't be silly! I won't bite... unless you want me to," she said with a wink.

Launchpad began to feel a little sick to his stomach. "N-no... what I'm tryin' to say is that... I'm not lookin' for a relationship!" She was actually starting to pull _harder_. He wondered with amazement- and no small amount of fear- just how strong she was. "Not with-"

She cut him off before he could say that he didn't want _her_, specifically. "Umph- But Launchpad-- I'm just what you need! I'll teach you what love is all about! I'll--"

"Henny, I have feelings for Beth!" he blurted out.

"You-- WHAT?" Henny stopped pulling him towards her, but didn't let go of him or loosen the pressure she had him under.

Launchpad swallowed. She looked dangerous. "I-- I love Beth," he said.

"That... That smug, stuck-up, temperamental, worthless goody-two- shoes? You're in love with HER!"

"Yeah," said Launchpad simply, then thought about how the question had been phrased. "Heyyy, wait a min--"

He stopped short as the front door opened. Both their heads turned to look as Beth walked halfway through the door, saw them on the couch, and froze with her hand still on the doorknob. She looked at the two of them for a matter of moments, her eyes very wide. Finally she managed, "Oh." Henny rolled her eyes, disgusted. Beth's attention seemed to be riveted on Launchpad. "Excuse me," she said, and stepped backwards out the door, shutting it in front of her.

"Beth!" shouted Launchpad. He was dismayed to notice that she apparently heard him, but took no notice whatsoever. He detached himself from Henny's arms, then stood up. Henny, who had remained motionless on his lap, slid right to the floor with a shriek. Launchpad took no notice and ran out the door after Beth.

"Isn't that just like a man," said Henny, rubbing her bum as she stood up. "As soon as they have _one_ thing, they jump up and chase after another."

Outside, Launchpad caught Beth's arm. "Beth... That wasn't what it looked like."

She turned around and looked at him brightly. Too brightly. "Oh, I don't care," she said cheerfully. "No, I mean it, Launchpad. Actually, I was just thinking that you _should_ try and find a girlfriend. After all, you of all people deserve someone... Someone better than _Henny_, of course, but well, whatever floats your boat..."

"Nah, I mean it! That was sorta an accident. I came here to see you, and she kinda took over. C'mon, Beth, I mean it. I don't like her. Not that way. ...Not very much at all, really." Launchpad looked at her sincerely, and her phony cheerfulness cracked a bit.

"Really?" she asked hesitantly.

"Yep."

"Thank _goodness_! I'm so glad you don't have such bad taste!" she said, letting out a huge breath of relief. Once again, she felt uplifted, as though the weight of the world had been taken off of her. _He doesn't like anyone,_ she thought with a warm feeling in her heart. _I mean, he doesn't like HENNY. That's what's important. Mustn't be possessive,_ she reminded herself, and turned her attention back to the important matter at hand. "This is it. We have to do something to get her out of here. But-- I just can't tell her to go. I can't just kick her out. Then I'd feel _awful_. We need to find a way to get her to _want_ to leave." A flash of brilliance struck her all of a sudden- one that was just as out of her nature as being blunt. But suddenly she wanted to try it. A slow grin formed on her face.

* * *

"What a dork," said Henny, sprawled across the couch. "And he's got lousy taste, too. Beth has _no_ personality whatsoever." She picked up the remote control and pointed it at the TV. A loud scream filled the air. Annoyed, she hit the mute button, but it continued. It gradually dawned on her that it was coming from outside. She sat up and looked at the front door curiously. Suddenly the scream broke off, and Launchpad came running in and slammed the door behind him. His clothes looked torn up, like he'd been in some sort of fight.

"Beth, oh, Beth, how _could_ you?" he said, covering his eyes with his arm dramatically.

Henny was supremely unimpressed. "What? She snub ya, you playboy?"

"No! She tried to kill me!" he exclaimed, terrified. He ran to her side and took her hand. "I told her about us and now she's FURIOUS! She's unstoppable! Yonder is armageddon! O, we are all doomed!" Henny rolled her eyes. He broke his dramatic pose and said, "In any case, Henny, if you run right now you can still escape!"

Henny just looked at him calmly. "Uh-huh. Beth is a raving maniac. That'll be the day," she said. "Beth doesn't get mad, she just gets a little snippy. I'm sticking around, the accomodations are too good to give up just cause she's jealous."

"Suit yourself," said Launchpad, and let go of her hand.

At that moment the door was flung open so hard that it slammed into the wall loudly. Beth came into the room, looking quite composed and very alert. "LAUNCHPAD!" she yelled, rather manically. "Why'd you run away like that?... Oh, hello, Henny. Can I get you anything?" she asked, her tone doing a complete 180. "A Koo-Koo Cola, perhaps?"

"No, I'm fine. Listen, Beth, what's all this about you threatening us?" asked Henny, giving Beth a look of distaste.

Beth worked the innocent bit for all it was worth. "Threatening?"

"You don't know anything about how Launchpad's clothes got ripped up? You didn't try to kill him just now because you were jealous?"

"No!" said Beth, and shot a nasty look at Launchpad.

Henny echoed the look. "See, I told you, you big crybaby," she said to him. Launchpad looked sheepish. "On second thought, I would like that Koo-Koo Cola after all," said Henny to Beth. Beth nodded, as if she'd expected this. She took out a pair of scissors and started for the kitchen, saying, "You come with me, Launchpad. I'm gonna give you that haircut you've been wanting!" LP whimpered, but followed her.

They'd been in the kitchen for about a minute when Beth shrieked, "STOP SQUIRMING!" A huge scream, louder than the first, erupted, and then died out abruptly. Henny had taken the TV off of mute, and took no notice of the sounds at all. A few moments later, a hand popped out from behind her holding a can of soda. Henny took the can, and some thick red liquid smeared off onto her hands. She looked up to see Beth looking at her darkly, with the same red liquid all over her hands, arms, and shirt. "Launchpad says hi," hissed Beth.

"That's disGUSting," said Henny, for lack of anything better to say.

Beth held up her other hand, which was still clasping the scissors. They, too, were literally streaked with red. "These... are for you!" she whispered fiercely. The scissors were raised above her head, and held for a moment in the air. Henny opened her mouth, but for once, no sound came out.

"_What_ is going on in here!" said a voice from the front door. Drake was standing in the doorframe with his arms crossed. "You can hear screaming all over the neighborhood! I thought you were... Ew. That's disGUSting," he said as he noticed the red stuff.

"Drake!" said Beth, shocked to see him. She lowered the arm that had been holding the scissors. Henny breathed a sigh of relief, then her vocal cords kicked in and she shrieked for about thirty seconds. Having gotten it out of her system, she fell backwards onto the couch, drained.

Beth took no notice of Henny. All she thought of was what she must look like to Drake, standing there covered in 'blood' and about to stab her houseguest to death with a pair of scissors. He was a crimefighter by his very nature- it was one of the things she loved about him. Of _course_ he wasn't going to take this well.

"What _is_ that?" he asked, in reference to the red liquid.

Beth turned lightly pink. "It's... blood. I, um, I killed Launchpad."

"You _what_?"

"Ew," said Henny from the couch. It came out like a whine.

"You know... I 'killed' him," said Beth, winking at Drake. He didn't catch the meaning of it, only stared at her in disbelief. "Fine, fine, it's ketchup! It was the only way I could think of to get rid of Henny!" she yelled.

"Ohhh," said Drake, understanding perfectly now, only a bit too late.

Launchpad came in from the kitchen, unharmed. "Hey, DW," he said.

Henny sat up on the couch and looked at the three people before her."Hey! What the hel--"

"Oh, come on, just cause we're a little more conniving than you are doesn't make us any worse, Miss 'The Accomodations Are Too Good Here'," said Beth, with an edge of irritation to her voice.

"Oh, you could hear that?" Not surprisingly, Henny didn't seem especially bothered.

"DUH."

"Oh well. I guess we're even now. Well, I'm going up to my room."

"Wow. How stupid _is_ she?" asked Drake.

"Hey, I never did anything to YOU! This means war!" exclaimed Henny furiously.

The three of them gave each other a look. "Guess we'll have to spell it out for her. C'mere, Henny baby," said Drake coolly. He looked at her through half-lidded eyes and said, "It is time for you to go. There is not a place for you here anymore."

"Sure there is. I stay in the guest bedroom."

"Oh, brother." Beth covered her eyes in frustration. "That's it. I'll be blunt now. Henny," she said, and looked right at her guest, "I want you to leave. You've been taking advantage of me, and I'm not going to let you do that anymore. I'm sorry you don't have any place to stay, but you can't stay here. You've made your opinion of me _quite_ clear, and now I'm going to be honest and tell you that I don't like you, either. I want you to be gone within an hour."

Henny was speechless. Unfortunately, it didn't last. "Well... Fine then. It just so happens that my apartment people called, and I can go back there. So I don't _need_ your cruddy house, anyway." She stormed upstairs to pack, leaving Beth, Drake, and Launchpad giving her looks of utter disbelief.

"Oh, wow... That felt _so good_!" said Beth. A nervous smile spread across her face, and she laughed a little.

"I knew ya could do it!" said Launchpad, patting her gently on the back.

"You're learning," said Drake. "I wouldn't have been so polite about it, but then again... Your way may be better in the long run."

"Beth...?" called Henny from upstairs.

After a pause, Beth called back, "What?"

"As long as you're down there, could you get me a soda?"

Beth stood utterly still for a moment, in silence. Launchpad and Drake watched her curiously. Then, reluctantly, she sighed, gave the others an embarrassed smile, and went to the kitchen. Her friends looked at each other for a moment, disappointed, and then ran after her.

Next: Something Completely Different!

* * *

The voice of Henny Chickstein is provided by Fran Drescher. (Kidding, but it IS appropriate, dont'cha think?)

Copyright Rebecca Littlehales, 1996. Beth Webfoot and Henny Chickstein created by me, R. Littlehales; all other characters are owned by Disney and are used without permission. This story may be duplicated as long as it is not sold or altered in any form, and I am given credit for it. It may not be sold in any form, or altered without my expressed permission. This story may not be allowed to express itself in any way unless I am given altered permission. Good night and may the cow protect you all!


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